Just don't be too nice! How our own fears make us invisible

Guest article by Iris Zeppezauer

If you are too nice, you run the risk of being exploited or taken advantage of. That's why many people prefer not to show too much empathy, but hide behind their roles, uniforms or titles.  The reason often lies in social fears, especially those of not getting respect. It is possible to guide with empathy and natural authority instead of acting hard and wooden. Because sympathy and respect in the right balance are not a contradiction.

The seesaw between sympathy and respect

When we look at our relationship with other people, every encounter is unconscious at first. Our inner system checks at lightning speed: friend or foe? We always move on the seesaw between sympathy and respect. Those who have to build up respect emphatically usually lose sympathy in the process. Why people prefer to keep their distance and refrain from sympathy is usually due to personal fears.

The Psychoanalyst Fritz Riemann describes in his work Basic Forms of Fear four essential basic fears that shape our social behavior:

• The fear of surrender shapes people who prefer to distance themselves from others. Of course, we all want to be distinctive. However, some feel a strong pressure to do everything themselves and to trust others only to a limited extent.
• The fear of self-realization depicts almost the opposite: These people need others, for example partners or their team, so much that they let themselves down. They sacrifice themselves, are often disappointed and in the end ask themselves why exactly something like this always happens to them.
• The fear of change results from the natural longing for permanence, security and continuity. It leads to the fear that something could change and that you are not prepared for it. People with fear of change create respect for themselves through meticulous preparation, safeguarding, control.
• The fear of necessity depicts the opposite pole: those who are shaped by it are disgusted by control and meticulous preparation. These people love the allure of the new, the joy of taking risks and are looking for a special kind of respect: admiration. That's why they are often eloquent, charming, like to be around people and maintain a dazzling lifestyle.

Fears and personality types

Of course, the fears and the resulting personality types are pathological and somewhat exaggerated here. But observing how a person behaves can help to derive a type of behavior in order to be able to anticipate whether he or she relies more on sympathy or more on respect. After all, everyone has both – even if it is not visible at first glance for some.

Those who are afraid of becoming themselves and afraid of necessity, for example, rely much more on sympathy than their counterparts with fear of devotion and fear of change. They only tackle the respect side of the seesaw. An example of this can be people who want to gain respect through their uniform or the brand they represent. They feel empowered in the truest sense of the word to look down on others.

The Art of Hosting

Every form of closeness or distance, of actionism or keeping quiet has a personal background. Those who try to pick up the other and thus create balance build bridges. Because it is the combination of care and leadership that gives natural respect without losing sympathy. For example, no hierarchy is dictated in groups, but a culture is enabled that appreciatively integrates the different points of view. What sounds too good to be true becomes reality in the sense of a participatory leadership style.

Clear communication needs balance, otherwise one side is unbalanced and at a disadvantage. If you observe yourself when new contacts are made, you can draw interesting conclusions from this about one's own Fear and personality type: Is it more the professional detachment or the amiable, friendly way? Distance usually creates respect, but it can seem unapproachable, even arrogant. Closeness confers sympathy, but can tempt others to disrespect boundaries.

The balance can be achieved through a fundamentally positive attitude towards others without renouncing one's own boundaries: The image of good hospitality stands for this balance in which people can develop. Art of Hosting is the solution and creates a balance between natural authority and empathy.

The author:

Iris Zeppezauer is a scientist, university lecturer and consultant. For over ten years, she has been coaching personalities who have to convey their opinions clearly but appreciatively in every situation. Lowdown: https://www.sekundeeins.at

The new book by Iris Zeppezauer, “ With all due respect! Wie Sie durch Klarheit ganz natürlich Ansehen gewinnen”has been published by BusinessVillage Verlag.