Ing. Metzinger* spontaneously picked up the phone and arranged his first coaching appointment after returning from his trip to the corporate headquarters in Amsterdam. "Learning and applying small talk" was his concern. As technical manager of production in Austria, he had routinely reported on the current figures in the obligatory management meeting. When it comes to his specialist topics, he was completely in his element. But in the evening, at the seated dinner with the owner family, he experienced his Waterloo.
He had packed his elegant dark suit, as well as his tie – but he had not foreseen that he would be sitting at the long, nobly laid table opposite his superior's wife, of all people. From both sides, they tentatively tried several times to get a conversation going, but in vain: He, who could discuss his technical topics for hours with a hot head, saw the threads of conversation repeatedly run into the sand after a few words. He failed miserably at small talk.
In this article, you can read three easy-to-use tips that can be implemented immediately on how to make contact more quickly and find your way into conversation more easily in the many important situations of everyday life. Learn and apply small talk – without effort!
Why it's worth mastering unexpected small talk
At work, it is often events, trade fairs or customer events where it would be so useful to talk to important people. In many countries, it is frowned upon to talk about business right away when initiating business – only the "small conversation", the small talk, opens the doors to the actual business. But even in private life, without this fine ability to start conversations, it can be quite tedious if you stand taciturn on the sidelines at family gatherings or find it difficult to chat with your in-laws about trivial things.
What sometimes makes learning small talk difficult
Maybe you know the feeling when you come to stand next to someone at an event and suddenly this oppressive feeling appears: "Oh dear, now I guess I have to say something!" And already this little malaise arises, this little inner pressure that makes it doubly impossible to take the first step to ease the situation.
What can trigger this little uncertainty
Tension through silence: In the so-called "black Rhetoric" it is used as a means of pressure, in everyday communication it can scream very loudly – silence. Saying nothing and being mute next to another person can build up a lot of tension. And this often prevents them from chatting casually and informally.
Uncertainty due to presumed expectations: Perhaps you know this from very banal everyday situations, such as when you enter a café. Even if you then continue your way to the one free table in a targeted manner - for a short moment the eyes are on you and this expectation tension arises: How do the others perceive me? What expectations do they have of me? This creates a certain pressure to act, which is probably discharged in the café by an energetic step towards the seat. However, if the scene takes place at an event where you enter the door to a well-filled room, which path do you take? The one to a group of people you don't know? Or the safe path to a corner where you can acclimatize first?
To be introduced to someone: A colleague or friend means well with you and introduces you to one of those present. A short handshake, a "Hello!" or "Good day!" and soon the conversation dies down. In addition to silence (see above), there is also an ill-considered obstacle: When people face each other, a great tension of expectation unintentionally arises, just as if one wanted something from the other person. What is extremely useful when presenting and attracts attention, or increases emphasis when delegating a task, sometimes causes a moment of awkwardness, of embarrassment.
Video: An experience while shopping in the early morning showed me the way to the findings of spatial psychology and the principle of closing ranks. But see for yourself ...
How the voice increases insecurity
Whatever you say, your voice expresses your current state of mind, whether you like it or not. The little uncertainties described above creep treacherously into your vocal sound. That wouldn't be tragic in the everyday moments described if your own voice didn't have such a strong effect on you. Your own tone acts as a mood enhancer. Perhaps you still remember those moments from your childhood when you spoke loudly in the dark basement to regain security? However, if you hear a cautious hesitation in your own voice, this reinforces the basic feeling.
The voice sets the social course in networking
Most of the time, we are not aware of the signals we are sending through our voice. However, how we speak has a very decisive influence on how we are perceived by others. Our voice sets the social course: because what we say provides information about our personality – so it's about personal sympathy. Whether we are well received by others or rather less, what first impression we make, is therefore decided the moment we open our mouths.
The 4 Attributes of the Human Voice
1. The dominance attribute: Can we take the lead? Can we have our say? The way we say something signals how it is to be understood and shows whether we stand by what we say. It expresses it through enthusiasm, power or drive in the tone.
2. The empathy attribute: Is someone superficial or not? Does this person have history and dealt with it? Has he been busy with himself? What about the ability to criticize? We convey all this through empathy signals in our expression. In this way, we can convey to others how approachable we are, whether we can also be talked to, whether we think outside the box or not.
3. The stress attribute: Tension becomes audible! Are we getting nervous? When we are stressed, there is tension in the body, which of course also shows up in our voice - which is usually not conducive to the situation. Stressful situations dramatically change the voice h and make our nervousness noticeable.
4. The relationship attribute: Actually, the "killer attribute" that sets the course first and foremost: Do you speak to others as a person or as a role? Our mammalian brain has a built-in switch that automatically protects us from impersonal addresses. For example, we immediately feel – think of advertising calls, for example – when someone signals a role through his voice: "He's not interested in me – he wants something from me!" – be it time or money – but in any case not me as a person. We don't want to have anything to do with someone like that, it immediately comes across as unsympathetic. So the relationship attribute makes a dramatic difference between whether you want to talk to whom or not. You can hear whether the other person is with us or actually has completely different intentions. You can hear when someone is not with us in their heads.
Learning Small Talk: How to Use Your Body Language and Voice Consciously
The voice is and remains a result of many different factors, some of which we cannot influence directly. Therefore, one thing is quite certain: Faking does not help! But how can you still find relaxed small talk easily, effortlessly and safely?
First of all, pay attention to your room position
In many first moments of personal contact, we find ourselves – without wanting to – head-on towards our caregiver. Being attentive to each other in conversation is considered polite and a sign of appreciation.
As much good as this "confrontational position" – as it is called in spatial psychology – may have, it has a highly delicate downside. Without wanting to, this confrontation with each other creates an inner pressure to act.
- Standing opposite each other has a stimulating effect. Maybe you know this: As soon as you have greeted someone, you get the feeling that you have to say something now. But how often is there no intelligent sentence on the tip of our tongue right now! Never mind, a phrase always works ... and we say, "How are you?" or something similarly original. The "opposite position" therefore creates pressure to act in us. What makes sense in many everyday situations (for example, when you approach someone to ask for a street) turns against us in small talk moments and inhibits spontaneous action.
- Placed frontally, the personal effect between interlocutors is particularly strongly reflected. In other words, if you feel uncomfortable in a small talk moment, this also causes a feeling of discomfort in your counterpart.
- The frontal position seduces you to talk about each other. It's no coincidence that the proverbial conversation-opening phrase is "How are you?" You talk about what you see. The gaze defines the object of the conversation. And this quickly leads to the death of the conversation in small talk – how are you supposed to talk about personal matters when you are just getting to know the other person?
Read now how you can effortlessly start a conversation in the future through three slightly changed behaviors. Learn small talk by using the unconscious power of body language, voice, and language for your gain.
Learn small talk: 3 steps to a relaxed conversation
No, my first hint is not about what is best for you to say in order to strike up a conversation with someone. As in many other important moments of communication, it is not about talking, but about listening to it. Therefore, I recommend that you ...
Step 1: Notice what your counterpart's attention is focused on.
Don't rush into the house now. Introducing yourself right now or asking your conversation partner for his opinion on the presentation is usually not yet appropriate. In the first step, refer to what your counterpart's attention was obviously focused on. In this specific case, the buffet, or the growing queue of hungry guests in front of the buffet.
Step 2: Now turn to that point ("closing ranks").
Let's assume that the presentation of a well-attended event has just ended, you and the other guests flock to the buffet. With your plate in hand, you will find a seat at a bar table. Her counterpart is also putting down a glass and plate.
Physically turn in the direction in which your counterpart's attention was just a moment ago (view of the guest queue in front of the buffet). Smile calmly in view of the growing waiting time and smile at your counterpart. They have now made contact without saying a word, staging the "magic triangle" between two interlocutors and an object.
Step 3: Say a few words about the observed events
Perhaps you are already noticing how the initial inner pressure to start a conversation as quickly as possible evaporates through the physical turn into closing ranks and gives way to a pleasant serenity.
Suddenly, there is no reason to talk about each other – the "magic triangle" offers a perfect starting point for a few witty words about the great catering, about queues of people or the battle at the cold buffet. The ice has been broken. The initial pressure to say a few intelligent words is blown away.
Now at the earliest is the opportunity to spontaneously stretch out your hand to your counterpart and introduce yourself by first and last name. Surely you have noticed, now you are facing each other head-on again – spatial psychology only knows these two spatial forms of relationship between people in communication: shoulder to shoulder or the frontal conversation position.
Learn small talk: How to recognize your benefit in everyday life
Conversation starter: Do a communicative "warm-up" before you get to the actual topic. Notice details of the office, an original poster on the wall or the newspaper article that lies open on the desk. Nod with interest and appreciation in the direction of this detail. Wait for the reaction of your interlocutor. Enjoy if it results in a short small talk.
Sale: Pay attention to how relaxed and personal your voice sounds when you chat with your customer about details you have just noticed. This will help you avoid the trap of the voice often sounding very impersonal and "business" when you get straight to the point without a warm-up round.
Give feedback: Avoid giving feedback from a confrontational position, as this will provoke unnecessary justifications. Look at the matter to which you want to contribute your observation and first ask your conversation partner about his or her perception.
I wish you good luck with your relaxed small talk and am looking forward to your thoughts and comments!
Yours sincerely,
Arno Fischbacher
Illustrations from: Arno Fischbacher, Voice sells, the power of the voice in business, GABAL
Read also:
- Perform confidently – but how?
- Become self-confident through confident language and powerful voice
- How to get your stage fright under control (Part 1)
P.: If you like this post, please share it in your network! Do you have a question? Just write a comment! I look forward to your thoughts!
The author:
Hello dear Arno,
I am particularly pleased that you are "active" again and that you are feeling better.
Thanks for the valuable tips, you forget a lot if you don't practice every day.
I have a question:
when I contact someone I know personally by phone, I usually start with small talk. After a few routine questions, I swing back to the essentials.
How long should this small talk be, so that you don't lose focus on the essentials and the business remains in the foreground (above all, it's about my authenticity, keeping the balance between personal and business in balance).
Sometimes I can "handle" well, but often I have the feeling that the small talk is too long.
Thank you in advance and have a nice weekend,
with warm regards,
Katalin
Thank you, dear Katalin,
for your lovely lines and your nice feedback! Yes, I'm doing quite well, the difficulties of the last two years have been overcome!
To your interesting question about small talk as a conversation starter on the phone:
Not rushing straight into the house and immediately addressing the business topic is a perfect strategy, especially in B2C. Often it will be enough to address something you have noted down from the last customer contact. Something your customer told you the last time, etc. It is important not to lose sight of the reason for the call. So don't be too excessive when getting started.
It often helps to create a short pause in conversation – and then go into medias res. For example, with a suggestion like: "Mr. XXX, maybe you remember our last conversation about XXX ... how/ what/ when ...?"
Looking forward to your thoughts!
Best regards,
Arno